AN ODE TO COFFEE

I believe humans get a lot done, not because we're smart, but because we have thumbs so we can make coffee. ~ Flash Rosenberg


Isn't it funny, really, that I've written quite a lot about how I manage to sail through life, without mentioning coffee as my fuel?

Wouldn't you know, without it I can never produce a decent work, let alone a piece of writing? Seems to me these last three years I had written so much I broke my own personal record. And I'm telling you, not a word, not a phrase would've made it on paper without the help of my friend The Milk Coffee.

The simple ritual of boiling mineral water (yes, we still do this, to the horror of many civilized people out there, I realize) and waiting for it to reach a decent temperature (80 degrees centigrade, according to my sources) brings me tranquility.

I take only instant coffee at home, with real sugar. A long time ago I used to take artificial sweeteners, which made me lose a taste for real sugar. After some getting used to, however, I'm back to taking real sugar and now I can't stand the taste of artificial sweeteners.

So what it takes to have a decent cup of coffee, for me, is simply instant coffee, sugar, hot water...and some milk. I know I should've subtituted the water with milk, but I guess I am not much of a milk drinker.


The funny thing is, sometimes I let the coffee goes cold. It seems like the mere act of making a cup and having it next to my computer help to set my brains to working-mode. And not just the routine-work, the sight of a cup of coffee really helps set the mood for creative work too. Lordy only knew how much I had to strain that tiny creative muscle of mine this past year alone.

So coffee: the actual drinking of it, the sight of it, the act of making it, the sheer blessing of having it in a cup next to me... is what keeps me sane in my most insane times.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have half a cup of the magic potion to finish. Here's wishing the humankind will never, ever run out of coffee supplies for all eternity.

Amen.

FREE AT LAST.

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)

I have officially attained my doctorate.

So here I am, stunned, that I finally have finished the hardest struggle I have ever experienced in life. The problems I encountered during the journey humbled, scared, worried and saddened me to an extend I would never want to experience again.

You know what made me angry? One, despite my many struggles, even after the decision of my passing the program was made official, 2 out of my 7 examiners still asked for revisions. Two, my MIL had the heart to comment that I could finish on time because I didn't have any children.

I will tell you what actually happened in my last exam (the last of the 5 dissertation exams we have to take to get the degree). It was an open forum, where the promovendus (the one who will be granted the doctorate, and in this case, myself) was asked to invite her/his family, and of course her/his colleagues. I invited my parents, and my MIL as well as people from work.

On the day of the exam I had to stand in front of a panel consisting of 7 examiners, I was given so many questions and I had to answer them unblinkingly. My parents were nervous, happy but nervous. After that there was a small lunch party held by the Faculty (on my money).

Well, turned out that the MIL, despite congratulating me so many times and told me how proud she was, complained behind my back about my childlessness.

I was so saddened hearing about this, I almost forgot to celebrate.


But today I decided that I have to accept the facts of who I am. Yes, I am childless. This is a fact that saddens me. But: that does not change the fact that I am successful (though I hate to say it myself), at least in terms of school. I have finished my struggle on time (my friends couldn't, I am the only one in our cohort to finish this semester). I have consoled myself so many times when things went wrong, have clenched my teeth and kept pushing even when it was so hard for me to merely get out of bed. I have put up with so many bad behaviors and comments people threw my way, so I will let this one bad remark go too.

I am mad about having to do revisions, but in the past I've done things a lot harder. I will be patient as I know that I will soon be truly free and get my life back. I will be grateful because I know now that many people can give me snide remarks, but I have my best friends in life who will hold my hands all the way.

So I guess I have mixed feelings about finishing school..but I am so glad because the last three years have proven to me that I can rely on myself. And that, at the end of the day, the real me is actually stronger that the one I thought I was.


PS: Straight after the exam my husband and I went to a movie-marathon, and we still ponder whether to go on a short holiday to celebrate.

Hopeful

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up. ~ Anne Lamott

I haven't been writing enough lately. As in writing as a therapy. As in, blogging.
But believe you-me, I have been writing a LOT in terms of academic papers. And let me tell you that it is not as satisfying as blogging, and I miss blogging so much.

As it is now, I need to clear my head after a marathon of writing and rewriting my dissertation and papers. My first Advisor has clearly indicated that he wants me to defend this June. I told him I had some concerns, such as:

1) I don't have any significant contribution to the topic.
2) I am just simply not ready.

(I didn't mention point #2, actually, for the sake of saving my dignity. That is, if I had any dignity to start with, which I doubt.)

He addressed point #1 by saying our concern is the time constraint. Granted, I should've achieved a lot more, but to do that I need more time. And he'd prefer I finish in 3 years, more so than achieving a "more significant contribution" but taking 5 years to accomplish that. Of course, we both understood that even with additional 2 years, there was no guarantee that my "contribution" would be "more significant".

No Sir, on the contrary, I believe that even with additional years, I would not be able to do much more than what I already have.

So I think I will push myself to a targeted June Defense.

I hope it will be a nice discussion, where we talk about the results, the limitations, the possibilities to expand my research. I hope that despite being limited, contribution-wise, the examiners will still let me pass. I hope I will have a good time.


Please wish me luck.

May Rants

I write for the same reason I breathe - because if I didn't, I would die. ~ Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992)


I need to breathe.

Things have turned out way to unexpectedly lately, I don't know what to expect anymore. As a fairly organized person, I usually plan my days ahead -sometimes way, way ahead- and work toward a goal each day. Once I cannot put my finger on what lies ahead, I lose balance and tend to fall down. Yes, almost literally.

So at first I'd been aiming to publish at least 2 international conference papers, and 1 national journal paper. From what I understood, that amount of publication will enable me to go to the Dissertation Defense (DD) stage. The time consumed for the journal publication was longer than I expected, plus when finally I got accepted, I learnt that I still needed a publication in an international journal.

Therefore, it was very likely that I'd miss the DD date I set for myself (I told myself to submit by June 25th).

Feeling disappointed and annoyed, I proceed to write a paper for the international journal. It got accepted, actually, but by the time it went on print, it was already May. No time to finish my dissertation manuscript on time, or so I thought. I was so ready to give up graduating on time. I even contacted some colleagues, and asked about how I told my employer about this recent development.

Lo and behold, my first advisor asked me not to give up. So I sprinted to finish the manuscript, the first draft of which I submitted to him and my second advisor last Wednesday.

Now I have mixed feeling about everything. I am happy, I think, that finally I finished the manuscript, albeit only a first draft. But I am also disturbed by the uncertainty of everything. Can I still take the DD in June? Does it mean I can graduate this semester? Because even if I passed the DD, I still have to do revisions and take a final open-for-public oral exam.

Also I am worried to death about the DD. But that is another story for another post, I think.

For now, I will breathe. And breathe. And breathe..

OH YIKES

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. ~ Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

I finally decided to take the time-tracker off this site. I feel very bad because I fully realize that it's getting more and more impossible for me to finish the dissertation on time. By God, even writing this post is very hard for me, because I don't like admitting a defeat. Arrr.

I am trying to shape up yet another paper for now. I set April 25th as the final date. I am trying not to feel too disappointed for now.

Wish me luck.

By Good Golly

That time-ticker now looks at me with its mocking face. Darn, looks like I am not gonna be able to submit on time. A lot of things have happened, I have passed R2 exam, got a journal paper published, but still it will take a lot to make dissertation submission happen.

*wiping my brow*