I am bit stuck. None of the simulations worked the way I predicted them to. And now I am not sure anymore what I want out of these simulations anyway. The uber-abstract concepts just throw me off balance too many times; I don't know where to hang on anymore. Or what to hang on by.
On a merrier note, yesterday finally the announcement came: I got a research grant from the uni. It's a small amount, but I am still happily surprised because I thought my proposal wasn't even decent.
This can be good for my CV. I am sometimes thrilled at the thought that maybe, just maybe, after so many wrong turns, so many ugly incidents along the 10 years of trying to build a career, I am on the right path all along.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
MAKING ME HAPPY THESE PAST FEW DAYS...
1. Ahem. The undergrad students in my class here in Depok called me "Mbak." Yes it sounded as though they confused me with a tukang gorengan, but still. I already told them I was a lecturer in another university..but if they thought I looked that young...welll...harharhar.
2. Another undergrad student (this one wasn't in my class) saw me sitting helplessly waiting for my professor. "Who are you waiting for?" he asked, and I answered. "Oh!" he said. "You're doing your final project with him?" (He actually used the word 'skripsi', which literally meant final-year project for undergrads.) For the rest of the day I basked in the glorious fact that at least one person on this earth thought I looked 23. Well at least he implied that he thought so. Well we cannot be sure. But I'd like to think that he thought so. Harharhar.
3. Nescafe is back in my system. Gyahaha.
2. Another undergrad student (this one wasn't in my class) saw me sitting helplessly waiting for my professor. "Who are you waiting for?" he asked, and I answered. "Oh!" he said. "You're doing your final project with him?" (He actually used the word 'skripsi', which literally meant final-year project for undergrads.) For the rest of the day I basked in the glorious fact that at least one person on this earth thought I looked 23. Well at least he implied that he thought so. Well we cannot be sure. But I'd like to think that he thought so. Harharhar.
3. Nescafe is back in my system. Gyahaha.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
BROKEN SUN
Last Sunday night, with a very steady voice, he said it was okay if I wanted to wait until I finished my Ph.D. This I have heard within the first week of our marriage. At first, actually I had thought that I was definitely willing to try, as long as I had passed my qualification exam. But he said I couldn't handle that much. I remember vividly how he put his palm on my chest back then, gently saying that he knew I could barely cope with everything that stirred inside me.
Good idea, how brilliant, I thought. What a relief. Then came the comments. The snide remarks. Never from him, always from somebody else. And I can't help but feel hurt everytime a comment comes my way.
Sometime last week, I broke down and told him everything. How helpless I felt, how angry I was especially with several comments coming from his family. I wanted to be a man, I told him, I wanted to go early to the office and come home blissfully unaware of what happened at home. I wanted to be a man, I said, so that I would never grow painfully big with a baby inside, and burst myself open to let the baby out. I wanted to be like you, always able to walk out that door every morning minding your own work, never having to worry whether your underwear still fit, whether your breasts are leaking.
He said he was speechless. He got up, walked across the room, went back to sit next to me, got up again, and sat across of me.
I didn't pursue the conversation.
Last night however, wrapping me in his arms, he said in a steady voice that it was okay if I did not want to have any child, forever.
Good idea, how brilliant, I thought. What a relief. Then came the comments. The snide remarks. Never from him, always from somebody else. And I can't help but feel hurt everytime a comment comes my way.
Sometime last week, I broke down and told him everything. How helpless I felt, how angry I was especially with several comments coming from his family. I wanted to be a man, I told him, I wanted to go early to the office and come home blissfully unaware of what happened at home. I wanted to be a man, I said, so that I would never grow painfully big with a baby inside, and burst myself open to let the baby out. I wanted to be like you, always able to walk out that door every morning minding your own work, never having to worry whether your underwear still fit, whether your breasts are leaking.
He said he was speechless. He got up, walked across the room, went back to sit next to me, got up again, and sat across of me.
I didn't pursue the conversation.
Last night however, wrapping me in his arms, he said in a steady voice that it was okay if I did not want to have any child, forever.
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