X-FILES

Kapan-kapan, (kalau kamu yakin kamu belum pernah melakukannya sekalipun sepanjang hidup) cobalah untuk melupakan sesuatu dengan sengaja. Kalau saya tidak salah, akan kamu temukan bahwa hal itu jauh lebih sulit dilakukan daripada dikatakan. Banyak hal yang tidak disangka-sangka akan lewat di depan mata kamu, mengingatkan kamu pada X yang ingin kamu lupakan. Satu hari dapat lewat dengan baik, kamu berhasil menyibukkan diri dan melupakan si benda (atau si orang) X, dan hopla, tiba-tiba kamu berjalan di suatu tikungan dan bertabrakan dengan X. Atau kamu menyalakan TV dan di sana X muncul memandangi kamu.

Bertahun-tahun saya berusaha melupakan sesuatu. Saya kira saya berhasil, karena setelah beberapa lama, bukan saja si ‘sesuatu’ itu yang dapat saya lupakan, tapi juga segala alasan kenapa saya harus melupakannya. Segala yang terkait dengannya terkubur jauh di dalam otak saya, di ujung-ujung synapse yang nyaris tidak pernah saya gunakan sehari-hari. Semakin hari semakin sedikit aliran listrik melewati synapse itu, sampai saya kira, synapse itu mati. Saya kira. Tapi perkiraan saya salah.

Suatu hari beberapa tahun yang lalu, saya menonton DA di salah satu stasiun televisi. Saat itu DA adalah news anchor perempuan terkenal yang gayanya begitu khas, begitu lain dari gaya news anchor lainnya. (Sampai sekarang gayanya yang disebut-sebut meniru gaya news anchor BBC dibakukan, dijadikan patokan untuk news anchor generasi baru di stasiun televisi lainnya.) Dia muncul di acara berita tengah hari, dan di salah satu segmennya mewawancarai CH, aktris terkenal yang baru menyelesaikan syuting film yang unik. Saya sudah sering melihat DA dan CH di media, tapi belum pernah melihat mereka bersama-sama dalam satu kesempatan.

Hari itu CH kelihatan lain, dia menggunakan make-up yang cerah dan memakai syal merah. Tidak biasanya dia memakai sesuatu berwarna terang, sejauh pengetahuan saya yang tentu saja tidak mengenalnya (dan sebenarnya tidak pantas berkomentar mengenai warna apa yang pernah ataupun tidak pernah dia pakai.) Yang membuat saya terpana adalah kata-kata DA untuk membuka wawancara: “C..(katanya menyebut nama depan si aktris)…begini cantiknya Anda rupanya…Anda kelihatan sangat cerah..”

Ya saya tahu, tidak ada anehnya memuji-muji narasumber kamu, membuatnya santai sehingga lebih mudah diwawancarai. Tapi sesuatu dalam cara bicara DA, sesuatu pada cara CH menanggapinya, terasa lain. DA jelas ingin menghancurkan pemisah antara dia dan CH, sehingga dia memilih menyapa narasumbernya dengan nama depannya, bukan dengan sebutan ‘Mbak’ yang lebih umum dipilih orang untuk menyapa orang yang tidak begitu dikenalnya. Dan ada lagi sesuatu-sesuatu lainnya dalam wawancara itu, yang tidak dapat saya jelaskan.

Hari itu saya matikan suara TV dan saya teruskan menonton bahasa tubuh DA sewaktu mewawancarai CH. Oh no, pikir saya. Bukankah ini mengingatkan saya pada sesuatu, entah apa. Saya menyalakan suara TV kembali ketika DA mencondongkan tubuhnya ke arah CH, mengucapkan terimakasih, lalu mencondongkan tubuhnya ke kamera (rasanya seperti dia mencondongkan tubuhnya ke arah saya) dan mengatakan dengan lugas, “Anda dapat menyaksikan CH dalam film XYZ yang akan segera beredar minggu ini. Tetaplah bersama kami.”

Semalaman itu saya terus berpikir, sialan, kenapa wawancara tolol itu membuat saya tidak bisa berfungsi. Kenapa wawancara sependek itu membuat otak saya sesibuk ini. Apa sih anehnya wawancara aktris film terkenal yang film barunya akan segera beredar?

Lama saya berpikir. Kemudian baru saya bisa mengingat: dalam wawancara itu saya melihat X, perempuan yang ingin saya lupakan, dan segala alasan kenapa saya ingin melupakan dia. Selama ini X belum mati, dia hidup, antara lain di dalam mata DA. X mencondongkan badannya ke arah saya suatu hari, dan berkata dengan lugas: “Kamu terlalu lemah. Atau saya yang terlalu lemah. Pokoknya tinggalkan saya.” Kemudian matanya berkilat dan suaranya menjadi lebih mendekati suara dia yang asli--lembut dan ragu-ragu—“Saya suka Keparat. Bagaimana kalau kamu dengan dia saja. Atau N…dia punya empati yang sangat besar..saya tahu kamu lama-lama akan akan tertarik dengan dia.”

Sejak hari itu saya tidak lagi melihat X, tidak lagi mendengar suaranya, dan tidak lagi memikirkannya. Sampai saya melihatnya memandangi saya, melalui mata DA di TV. Sampai saya melihat DA mengatakan “Tetaplah bersama kami.”

Susah payah saya menahan keinginan untuk mencondongkan badan dan balik berkata kepada DA (atau kepada kamu yang hidup di dalam matanya, X): “Saya tetap di sini. Saya tidak berpindah selangkahpun.”

PLAYING GOD

The best thing to learn a subject is by teaching it. (Anonymous)

Then I can never learn anything about life. (Peacefool)


It’s a wonder why in Indonesia they commonly call the final-oral-comprehensive-examination, where students have to present their final projects before a panel of lecturers to end their study in university, a “sidang” (=”trial”).

The word “trial” reminds me of a court, where the accused stands or sits nervously, waiting for the judges to decide his future. It reminds me of lawyers, prosecutors, and sometimes (depends on the system used) a panel of 12 juries too.

So when I was asked to be one of the “judges” in a “trial” last week, my stomach turned. I never liked playing judge, playing God. Who am I to judge this student, I am nothing better compared to him. I am not more knowledgeable than him. Why must I ‘judge’ him, and decide what mark he deserves, thus deciding his future forever?

Another wonder is how the other ‘judges’ jumped to snatch the opportunity to rip the student (= the accused?) into pieces. It’s about ego, I think. By giving the toughest questions in the harshest way, they thought they’d gain respect from fellow ‘judges’. Hell, I prefer not to gain respect that way, if I ever need any. I approach this job using a completely different mindset, I guess. The one thing I’m here for is to fulfill my gigantic need to learn from others, and I won’t be too off-the-mark if I say I learn more things from the students, not my colleagues. So ripping a student in public will defeat my whole purpose of being here.

I know, in those ‘trials’, the ‘judges’ are paid to ask probing questions, to make the students defend their projects. But nobody says we shouldn’t learn something from them. Nobody says we should be harsh and humiliate them and belittle the efforts they have put in their projects. Nobody says we must pretend to know everything about his or her projects. We are allowed, I guess, to ask for explanation nicely, to admit that there are always some aspects we don’t understand about their projects. And to admit that yes, we lecturers have our limitations too, so would you be kind enough to teach us something here?

This is what I want to say to students facing their ‘trials’: please do not copy several pages off your final-project report to transparency sheets and use them for your presentation; those look so pathetic. Put more efforts into your presentation (as my lecturers said: a presentation contributes to 30% of your final mark) and hold your head and voice steady while standing there in front of your ‘judges’. This is your project, you’ve worked hard on it, so why not use this opportunity to tell us what makes them interesting for you, why not use this chance to impress us?

This is what I want to say to you: do not stand there trembling like a rabbit, dear, remember what you are here for. Remember you’ve gotta teach us something here.

BROKEN SUN

Rringgg...rrriingngng...(10x)

"Hi you."
"Hello..I thought you didn't want to answer my call. Am I disturbing you?.."

...

"..or you just need time to decide whether or not to pick up the phone?"
"Bingo."

...

"You miss me?"
"Duh."

...

"Hei hei. I miss you."
"Okay."
"How are you? Dear? God I miss saying that word. Dear. Dear, say something. Need to hear your voice, been too long."
"I'm doing fine, sort of. You?"
"I'm down with a nasty diarrhea since last Monday. Miss you too much. That last time I had diarrhea this nasty, remember? That was when I went on a business trip to Bandung and didn't get to see you for four days in a row."

I laughed, then at some point I felt like crying.

"Motherofgod, from all things on earth that you can claim to remind you of me, you pick diarrhea? A nasty diarrhea reminds you of me?"
"Hei..listen to yourself. You negative-thinking baby. What I'm saying is, everytime I miss you, I get ill. I get diarrhea, the most miserable illness. Can't eat can't sleep can't think straight. Tummy aches so much. Been almost 10 days now."
"Oh dear. Maybe you ate something poisonous. Go see a doctor."
"No, my brain's poisoning me. Wanna go see you."
"Oh."
"You heal me. I can't stand this."

...

"Say something, will you? Listen, I bought you something every day we didn't meet."
"Really? So kind of you."
"Nah, just stupid things. Stuffed animals. Colourful pens, geez, I'm such a weirdo, I just love buying you stationary. And a lined pad for you to practice writing your fiction. I remember you told me you wanted to practice writing longhand instead of typing...what else..books..CDROMs...I compiled some stuff here myself..for your lectures. Oh and a necklace also..don't worry..it's just a cute cheap thingy..looks sweet I think..a doll like you needs sweet jewellery...hey..have I been talking too much? Say something please. Hush honey, don't cry. Hush up, did I say something wrong?"
"No...I miss you too."

...

"You saw the paper today? Navratilova won a match or something."
"What?????"
"Navratilova..she's a..you know...I just can't stop thinking about you..then I saw her picture...and I can't help thinking how come, how come, GOD, you are so much different from her.."
"Don't start. I'm warning you: don't start."

...

"Who do you love?"
"You."
"You want me to hang up?"
"Never."
"Then say something."
"When can I see you?"
"Tomorrow, lunch time? I'll bring these sweet nothings too."
"Why not tonight? Now, I want to see you now now now now -- "
"I can't, and you know why."

...

"You miss me?"
"Very much."
"My tummy doesn't hurt as much now. Feel much better. And who do you love, Doll?"
"You.
You and Martina Navratilova and Ellen DeGeneres and Desi Anwar and that cute little bitch on TV just now."
"HUAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAHAH. Kiss me?"
"Yes, tomorrow."
"Tell me again who you love."
"You."
"I want you."
"Me wants you too."
"I miss your voice like you wouldn't believe."
"And I miss yours..don't hang up on me. Let's hang up on 3."
"OK, I'll see you tomorrow? Let's count now...1..2..3.."

---call ended---

WHAT I LEAVE BEHIND

Every once in awhile you bump into someone you can't forget in a lifetime. Every once in awhile you cross a road and when you turn around, you realize a part of you does not cross the road with you.
Every once in awhile you meet somebody and falls for that person. You pack your life and embark on a new journey with that person. Then you turn around and see: a part of you stands still many miles behind, and waves you goodbye.

A DIMENSION, OR TWO

Samar-samar saya ingat: prisma akan memisahkan cahaya tampak (visible light) dari matahari menjadi 7 spektrum dengan panjang gelombang yang berbeda-beda. Peristiwa ini disebut dispersi. Perbedaan panjang gelombang mengakibatkan ketujuh spektrum tersebut terlihat memiliki warna yang berbeda-beda bagi mata manusia. Tolong koreksi saya, karena seingat saya titik-titik air di atmosfer setelah hujan juga bertindak seperti prisma, mereka menghamburkan cahaya matahari yang tunggal, menjadi 7 cahaya warna-warni pelangi.


We were walking along a creek, enjoying the sun, sharing secrets, when you bent down and picked something up from the bottom of the creek.
“Look,” you said, “Obsidian?”

I know nothing about stones
but when I held that tiny rock against the sunlight,
I could see that
it dispersed the light
into seven rays.

I looked at you,
shifting the rock in my palm,
holding it against your face,
And I could see that it dispersed
your shadow into seven rays.

“You are seven different people,” I told you.
“No, I’m seven thousand different people,” you laughed.
I noticed one of your rays
looks clearer than the others.
(Only your red ray looks a bit familiar to me. Your other rays look dim, almost invisible. Still I know red isn’t your only ray. There are others, but I can’t see them)

You took the rock
and held it against my face.
“Blue,” you told me.
“All I see is blue,
but I know you have many other rays as well.”
(All this time you show me only your anger, and all this time I show you only my misery.)

We were walking along a creek, enjoying the sun, sharing secrets, when you suddenly stopped and looked at me.
“Excuse me,” you said. “Who are you again?”
(If I’m worth your time, I’ll tell you where I come from. If I am worth your time, I’ll tell you where I’m going.)
“Pardon me,” I said. “But I don’t know you either.”

(In my palm the tiny rock glinted.
I could see many people walking along the creek, and I could see not all of them found their obsidians.
This one must stay, I thought to myself.
This rock tells me the many dimensions you have, and the many dimensions I have.
This rock reminds me of a time a long time ago
When life was easy and happy
When neighour kids knocked my door and asked me to play
And never once said I looked different from them.)

“Throw the useless rock away,” you had said.
“No,” I said simply.
“I want to keep it.
To remind me of you.
To remind me of a person
Who never once looked me in the eye
And never once told me
that I was a freak.”

OH..SO THIS IS HOW IT FEELS..

..to finally be away from everybody.