My brain is cluttered with unimportant things. I have felt down and sluggish for almost a week now, something in the back of my mind keeps saying I am a failure, or I have done something wrong. Much as I try to analyse these feelings of failure and guilt and helplessness, there is nothing yet I can find as to what causes all these negative feelings.
I began reading up on anger management, because I find rage inside me almost everyday now. There was nothing in the sources I read that was completely new to me - you can put any name on rage and I'll still be able to recognise it when it is inside me. The question is, why? Why angry? What or who am I angry at?
One example I read in an internet site of anger management really rang a bell though. It said that when one was angry when seeing another person cried, the angry person might be projecting. The angry person probably hated herself when she felt down and whenever she cried, and that made her very angry to see another person crying. One thing that you cannot tolerate in yourself, says the source, is likely you will not tolerate in others. This is true. I hate seeing other people complain or cry, I get very angry at the sight of a complaining or crying friend, because I myself hate myself when I get to such a low point where I cannot help but complaining. Or worse, crying.
This past week, I have been crying every single day, so I have this anger towards myself. I refuse to be this low, I have no reason to feel low, and I am so angry that I am feeling this way.
Then I remember that writing might help. I know whenever I am in a messy state of mind, my writing will be just as messy. But the thought of pouring my brain onto paper already helps lifting my mood a little bit. And actually typing up this post feels nice. Feels really nice.
I am still assessing my feelings though. I think I am mostly scared, deep inside, of something which still hasn't occurred yet, and which might very well turn out not to be scary at all. I feel helpless because school has been going on and on and on with no visible sign of a finish line. Everyday I feel an overwhelming amount of tasks lurk every where I step, and the confidence needed to finish them decrease little by little each day.
I do know that these negative feelings won't last forever. It's Thursday afternoon, tomorrow there's gonna be a class to give lecture to, and another class where I'll be a student and do a presentation, and after that I'll go to get a haircut. That should be a nice way to end a frustrating week.
Next week will be a calm one, and a highly productive one. I promise myself that. Every little bit of negative feelings will be gone, and next week I will be sitting at my computer finishing projects after projects, feeling completely calm and serene. And happy. Just you watch me.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
RANDOM RANTS
I knew I was depressed when this morning I couldn't find the strength to get up. I woke up at 5, and just lay down refusing to start thinking. I hate to admit this, but yes I am very annoyed with what happened yesterday, to a point where I get kinda depressed.
Yesterday I had to attend a session held by the Directorate General of Higher Education, a part of the Ministry of Education. I had -- very reluctantly -- submitted a research proposal to the Competitive Research Grant program held annually by the Directorate last May. Amidst the many things I had to endure back then, one of the toughest to deal with was the demand of my co-supervisor that I had to submit that proposal, no matter what. It came as a surprise that despite the very inadequate proposal, I was invited to present it yesterday.
I had really hoped that I would never hear of that proposal again, because my co-supervisor demanded that I put his name only (in addition to my name) in that proposal, leaving out my supervisor's name. I feel very bad about this, it is just so unfair to my supervisor, and I hate myself for not having the courage to stand up to my co-supervisor and refuse to leave out my supervisor's name.
And, at the time of presentation, I knew I was out of place. My research is purely a fundamental one, and they wanted something much simpler, with a product as the research outcome. A product, as in commercial goods. That is just impossible. They said I should've joined Fundamental Research Grant Program instead of Competitive Grant, and yes I knew that, it was just that the requirements for the Fundamental Grant was that the researcher had to be a very senior one. And I am not. But my co-supervisor would not accept any reason for not sending out a proposal, so the only choice I had back then was to join the Competitive Grant Program. They finally said in the first year it was okay for me to come up with a mathematical model, but in the second year I had to have a prototype. I was so tired as it was already 8.30 pm and I just said yes, so that they'd let me go home.
Now I am hoping I would never hear from them again.
It is just impossible for me to produce a prototype, it is just impossible for me to manufacture a handheld terminal on my own!!! This is a research done in Indonesia, for God's sake. There is no way we can do a truly sophisticated research in Indonesia. This is getting more complicated actually, because there is my own research (a.k.a school work) at stake and I cannot just walk out of this program without involving people from my office too. I can imagine they'll be pushing me to go on with the program without realizing how impossible it is for me.
And all this mess is because I had been such a lame person with no backbone to stand up for myself. Next time, I really have to stand up to my co-supervisor and not let his demands complicate my life.
Oh well.
I finally got up from the couch at 9 AM, and took a shower.
Just like earlier I could recognize myself as being in a very depressed state of mind, I quickly recognized my mood starting to improve as the cold water touched my skin.
My only consolation is despite everything, despite feeling like a failure AND a invertebrae, as of today, school work is just fine for me. I know I am lucky, some of my classmates are not capable of saying so.
And I am really happy to be reminded again that I can still draw happiness from something as simple as taking a shower. In a very strange way, this fact makes me feel like a very rich, the most blessed person on earth.
Yesterday I had to attend a session held by the Directorate General of Higher Education, a part of the Ministry of Education. I had -- very reluctantly -- submitted a research proposal to the Competitive Research Grant program held annually by the Directorate last May. Amidst the many things I had to endure back then, one of the toughest to deal with was the demand of my co-supervisor that I had to submit that proposal, no matter what. It came as a surprise that despite the very inadequate proposal, I was invited to present it yesterday.
I had really hoped that I would never hear of that proposal again, because my co-supervisor demanded that I put his name only (in addition to my name) in that proposal, leaving out my supervisor's name. I feel very bad about this, it is just so unfair to my supervisor, and I hate myself for not having the courage to stand up to my co-supervisor and refuse to leave out my supervisor's name.
And, at the time of presentation, I knew I was out of place. My research is purely a fundamental one, and they wanted something much simpler, with a product as the research outcome. A product, as in commercial goods. That is just impossible. They said I should've joined Fundamental Research Grant Program instead of Competitive Grant, and yes I knew that, it was just that the requirements for the Fundamental Grant was that the researcher had to be a very senior one. And I am not. But my co-supervisor would not accept any reason for not sending out a proposal, so the only choice I had back then was to join the Competitive Grant Program. They finally said in the first year it was okay for me to come up with a mathematical model, but in the second year I had to have a prototype. I was so tired as it was already 8.30 pm and I just said yes, so that they'd let me go home.
Now I am hoping I would never hear from them again.
It is just impossible for me to produce a prototype, it is just impossible for me to manufacture a handheld terminal on my own!!! This is a research done in Indonesia, for God's sake. There is no way we can do a truly sophisticated research in Indonesia. This is getting more complicated actually, because there is my own research (a.k.a school work) at stake and I cannot just walk out of this program without involving people from my office too. I can imagine they'll be pushing me to go on with the program without realizing how impossible it is for me.
And all this mess is because I had been such a lame person with no backbone to stand up for myself. Next time, I really have to stand up to my co-supervisor and not let his demands complicate my life.
Oh well.
I finally got up from the couch at 9 AM, and took a shower.
Just like earlier I could recognize myself as being in a very depressed state of mind, I quickly recognized my mood starting to improve as the cold water touched my skin.
My only consolation is despite everything, despite feeling like a failure AND a invertebrae, as of today, school work is just fine for me. I know I am lucky, some of my classmates are not capable of saying so.
And I am really happy to be reminded again that I can still draw happiness from something as simple as taking a shower. In a very strange way, this fact makes me feel like a very rich, the most blessed person on earth.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Mbbllp.
I cannot believe that some years ago people actually paid me to teach English. In all of the many class-observation done by the language-school principal/senior teachers, the printed phrase "Language Control" which appeared somewhere in the middle of the observation note sheet (below "Class Management" and "Teaching Skill", I think) was always met with a scribbled "Good".
I cannot believe I used to speak the language everyday. Sometimes I think I miss speaking it. Once we gave a ride to R's Filipino friend and he said "Hello, nice to meet you" and I said "Nice meeting you too" and I thought the words felt wrong in my palate. And when he and R got off the car at the school, the Filipino friend thanked me and asked me to have a good day and I ordered him the same. Again I felt like I couldn't speak that language at all. Like all words felt wrong.
There was also this Singaporean woman from his school who asked "Who does the cooking at home?" and I said "He does" and she smiled and said "Oh, that's nice" and I said "Ya" as if I didn't really speak the language.
Sometime last week an e-mail came announcing that my paper was accepted to be presented in a seminar, and there was this line it it: "Please do take into account in the revision to further improve the English quality of your paper." I stared at it and decided that they wrote that to everybody from non-English speaking countries anyway. But then I scrolled down through the message and found that they gave me "3" on "Clarity, readability of English" -- "1" is the worst and "7" is the best so I am nowhere near "good", I am not even "half good".
Then I began noticing my internet-chat lines - and started noticing the many mistakes I made. To my horror I have taken to mix up past and present tenses, in addition to mixing up adjectives and adverbs.
I think the language is angry because I don't speak it anymore, and has decided to escape, bit by bit. One day I think I will find my brain stranded alone with no English word in it.
But, but: In all of our texts to each other, R and I use English. And come to think of it, when something is wrong we also use only English to talk about it. Maybe that's why I always think the words feel wrong in my palate when I try speaking them to people other than R. That's a language for times when things are wrong.
How sad. Such a waste of such a beautiful language. This has got to change. Maybe I should start practising the words "I made black pepper beef, again! Ha ha" instead of mumbling "I'm very tired of doing housework, and I envy your convenience excuse of "working", don't you think I work too?". Or "I am so glad that I can finally fix that toilet! Ha ha" instead of thinking "In two years time I too will leave the house early (earlier than you do) and come home late (much later than you do) to find hot meals on the table and a spotless house and a working toilet." And "I am no crybaby, ha ha I am so tough I cannot believe it myself" instead of whining to myself that I am constantly tired and I feel dirty from doing housework and I need to take three showers a day but I hate our tiny wet bathroom but I will not ever say this to R because I don't want to sound ungrateful.
Maybe I should practise saying "I am happy that you are around." Both to him and to the English words still residing in my brain.
"I am happy that you are around."
"Please stay. Even if I can't speak for two days straight because I am too upset".
"Could you please bear with me?"
Because, "I am happy to have you."
I cannot believe I used to speak the language everyday. Sometimes I think I miss speaking it. Once we gave a ride to R's Filipino friend and he said "Hello, nice to meet you" and I said "Nice meeting you too" and I thought the words felt wrong in my palate. And when he and R got off the car at the school, the Filipino friend thanked me and asked me to have a good day and I ordered him the same. Again I felt like I couldn't speak that language at all. Like all words felt wrong.
There was also this Singaporean woman from his school who asked "Who does the cooking at home?" and I said "He does" and she smiled and said "Oh, that's nice" and I said "Ya" as if I didn't really speak the language.
Sometime last week an e-mail came announcing that my paper was accepted to be presented in a seminar, and there was this line it it: "Please do take into account in the revision to further improve the English quality of your paper." I stared at it and decided that they wrote that to everybody from non-English speaking countries anyway. But then I scrolled down through the message and found that they gave me "3" on "Clarity, readability of English" -- "1" is the worst and "7" is the best so I am nowhere near "good", I am not even "half good".
Then I began noticing my internet-chat lines - and started noticing the many mistakes I made. To my horror I have taken to mix up past and present tenses, in addition to mixing up adjectives and adverbs.
I think the language is angry because I don't speak it anymore, and has decided to escape, bit by bit. One day I think I will find my brain stranded alone with no English word in it.
But, but: In all of our texts to each other, R and I use English. And come to think of it, when something is wrong we also use only English to talk about it. Maybe that's why I always think the words feel wrong in my palate when I try speaking them to people other than R. That's a language for times when things are wrong.
How sad. Such a waste of such a beautiful language. This has got to change. Maybe I should start practising the words "I made black pepper beef, again! Ha ha" instead of mumbling "I'm very tired of doing housework, and I envy your convenience excuse of "working", don't you think I work too?". Or "I am so glad that I can finally fix that toilet! Ha ha" instead of thinking "In two years time I too will leave the house early (earlier than you do) and come home late (much later than you do) to find hot meals on the table and a spotless house and a working toilet." And "I am no crybaby, ha ha I am so tough I cannot believe it myself" instead of whining to myself that I am constantly tired and I feel dirty from doing housework and I need to take three showers a day but I hate our tiny wet bathroom but I will not ever say this to R because I don't want to sound ungrateful.
Maybe I should practise saying "I am happy that you are around." Both to him and to the English words still residing in my brain.
"I am happy that you are around."
"Please stay. Even if I can't speak for two days straight because I am too upset".
"Could you please bear with me?"
Because, "I am happy to have you."
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