ADDING SALT TO AN OPEN WOUND

Today is Thursday, a holiday of Hijriah New Year.
Last Tuesday, at 7:08 PM, Keparat called and asked me out.
I agreed to pick him up.
We went to a market near his house where he bought take-away dinner.
We went back to his house.
He finished dinner.
Then we went upstairs to his bedroom.

It was a disaster.

I was willing to turn a blind eye on it. He wasn’t.

Oh my God, I don’t know what to write.
It’s official that he dumped me; well I could see this coming, I wasn’t sure about this relationship myself, but I was willing to work it out. I had chosen to believe him. I had chosen to trust his words. The first day he was here, I saw a bad sign. But I ignored it. I had told myself long ago to concentrate on his good points, and not pick on his bad sides. Because I have my bad sides I’d rather him not to pick on, too.

Ending any relationship is hard, foolish as I am, I realise that. It’s just that this relationship has been in my mind and heart for almost exactly 5 years; ending it feels like having my brains and heart yanked out of my skull and chest without anaesthetics.

To add insult to injury, before dumping me he had made me do the thing I normally wouldn’t do. Well I’m not as stupid as to do things I didn’t want to do; at that time, I was willing to do it. But, but-- Forget it. Too hard to elaborate.

And he added salt to an open wound by saying some things that really degrade me. Part of me wants to kneel down and beg him to give me another chance; another part says it’s high time to let go.

He wasn’t lying all this time, no. It’s just that I forgot that every word has a time-frame. He might say he wants me so bad, okay, but he never says how long that feeling will stay. He can promise me things, but promises don’t last. That is what I forgot.

(Limit waktu t mendekati t+t0. Integral tertentu fungsi (x) batas bawah t=0 batas atas t=2pi. Darn. Every single fucking thing has a time frame. Things only apply for a limited time. Damn limited time.)

And he still has the nerve to say if we are meant to be together, we’ll be together. And craps such as you are perfect, you have no flaws, but you won’t be able to handle a shithead like me. Is it me who are not willing to handle your handicaps, or is it you who are not willing to turn your head from my handicaps?

I told him to look me in the eye and say “I DON’T WANT YOU BECAUSE…” [fill the blanks with: ‘you are older than me’, ‘you are a boring person who doesn’t take alcohol and geeky beyond belief’, etc. Yes, I gave him those options. Especially the one about me being older, because he mentioned it twice this month.] And he said he couldn’t. I never said I didn’t want you, was all that he could muster.

But still, he degrades me so badly.
So badly.
So badly.
So badly I think I lost all my self-confidence and my self-esteem, if I ever had any.