EVEN A FOOL CAN SEE

Everything seemed right

But that’s when he told me
he said it was time to move on
Just something that he kept inside
That told me the thrill was gone*

“We will find a way. There will be a way.” <-- a lie.
“I miss you.” <-- a lie.
“There are so many people, but there is simply nobody like you.” <-- a lie.
“I know you are seeing somebody else. It’s okay if you don’t want to admit it. What do you mean what about me? I never date another woman, I never dream of seeing somebody else.” <-- a lie.

This, Dearest, confirms one and only one thing: that I am stupid, just like I have always been suspecting.

You, dear, a smooth liar, you. You are even better than I am. You are so much better than me at it. At lying. I let down my guard and poof – you’re gone – in a blink of an eye.

I laughed my ass off thinking how foolish I was, how naïve I could be, how trusting and simply stupid. Then I cried and tried to spit out your name from each crack of my soul.

I no longer want to have anything to do with you.

Wait. That’s not true. You no longer want to have anything to do with me.
You spit me out of your soul. You, you don’t want to have anything to do with me.

The thought sent me flying to N’s house, almost as quickly like you can say “Stoopid.” I felt that it wasn’t the right thing to do, because the moment I turned up at his door feeling down, there was only one thing that would cross his mind. But still, I felt that it was the only thing to do anyway.

And now I can’t believe
I can’t believe it’s over
Suddenly it’s plain to see
he’s leaving me and --*

What can I say? N was waiting in his living room, serene and happy, as usual. I told him to please, please keep his smart comments to himself, I don’t want to hear any comments now please, please, but you are right, Keparat has been two-timing me all this time, please, please keep your smart comments to yourself. Please.

It is okay, it is okay was what N said, and I wanted to say no it’s not okay because when you are a fool nothing is okay. When you know that you are stupid, you want to die. And that is not okay.


---Even a fool can see
There’s nothing left between us
I knew all along something was wrong
But I did my best to deny it*

I half expected him to say, “Well, you must have seen this coming. You are going out with me. You. Me. You, the reserved the introvert the quiet the mouse in her hole. How can you find me? Me, the reserved the introvert the quiet wolf in his cave. How can you date me? How can you think he is not doing the same?”

I half expected him to laugh. I half expected him to say how can you complain about his lying to you, when you are lying shamelessly to his face? and yes, I half expected him to kiss me and say everything is okay.

“She is 18 years old,” was what I said next, as if it mattered. Of course it didn’t matter. Whether she was 18 or 28 or 38, it didn’t matter. I just wanted to say it, and try to make sense of it. I failed.

I knew I expected what he did next. He used a finger to wipe off my mascara (not waterproof, I found out the unfortunate way) and gave me a deep kiss, the kind which reminded me of a phrase ‘a kiss sweeter than wine’. His tongue caressed mine, and soon he was kissing me on the left side of my chest, where my heart is, where it was hurting the most.

And now I can’t go home
he wants to be alone so
Tell anyone who misses me that I’m alright
Even a fool can see*

I tried several times to say something, but nothing came out of my mouth.

Won’t ya tell me that I’m alright
Even a fool like me*

And come to think of it, I didn’t want to say anything. What I wanted to do was to kiss him back, to tell him to hold me and not let go, to thank him for breaking my fall, to tell him everything, without words. I held his head against my chest, and he told me my heart was beating fast. “So fast, like a girl doing okay,” he smiled.

I stayed in his arms for the better part of the night, trying hard not to blink. Who knows? The moment I blink, he might disappear. I trusted Keparat stubbornly through the years, and he disappeared in a split second that I took to blink.

It was almost midnight when I left his house. And I swear to God I swear my life, that I was okay.
Make it I am okay.

I’m alright, even a fool can see.


*Lyrics from Even A Fool Can See, sung by Peter Cetera.
I changed some words. So I violated some copyrights. Sue me.
See if I care.