I knew I was depressed when this morning I couldn't find the strength to get up. I woke up at 5, and just lay down refusing to start thinking. I hate to admit this, but yes I am very annoyed with what happened yesterday, to a point where I get kinda depressed.
Yesterday I had to attend a session held by the Directorate General of Higher Education, a part of the Ministry of Education. I had -- very reluctantly -- submitted a research proposal to the Competitive Research Grant program held annually by the Directorate last May. Amidst the many things I had to endure back then, one of the toughest to deal with was the demand of my co-supervisor that I had to submit that proposal, no matter what. It came as a surprise that despite the very inadequate proposal, I was invited to present it yesterday.
I had really hoped that I would never hear of that proposal again, because my co-supervisor demanded that I put his name only (in addition to my name) in that proposal, leaving out my supervisor's name. I feel very bad about this, it is just so unfair to my supervisor, and I hate myself for not having the courage to stand up to my co-supervisor and refuse to leave out my supervisor's name.
And, at the time of presentation, I knew I was out of place. My research is purely a fundamental one, and they wanted something much simpler, with a product as the research outcome. A product, as in commercial goods. That is just impossible. They said I should've joined Fundamental Research Grant Program instead of Competitive Grant, and yes I knew that, it was just that the requirements for the Fundamental Grant was that the researcher had to be a very senior one. And I am not. But my co-supervisor would not accept any reason for not sending out a proposal, so the only choice I had back then was to join the Competitive Grant Program. They finally said in the first year it was okay for me to come up with a mathematical model, but in the second year I had to have a prototype. I was so tired as it was already 8.30 pm and I just said yes, so that they'd let me go home.
Now I am hoping I would never hear from them again.
It is just impossible for me to produce a prototype, it is just impossible for me to manufacture a handheld terminal on my own!!! This is a research done in Indonesia, for God's sake. There is no way we can do a truly sophisticated research in Indonesia. This is getting more complicated actually, because there is my own research (a.k.a school work) at stake and I cannot just walk out of this program without involving people from my office too. I can imagine they'll be pushing me to go on with the program without realizing how impossible it is for me.
And all this mess is because I had been such a lame person with no backbone to stand up for myself. Next time, I really have to stand up to my co-supervisor and not let his demands complicate my life.
Oh well.
I finally got up from the couch at 9 AM, and took a shower.
Just like earlier I could recognize myself as being in a very depressed state of mind, I quickly recognized my mood starting to improve as the cold water touched my skin.
My only consolation is despite everything, despite feeling like a failure AND a invertebrae, as of today, school work is just fine for me. I know I am lucky, some of my classmates are not capable of saying so.
And I am really happy to be reminded again that I can still draw happiness from something as simple as taking a shower. In a very strange way, this fact makes me feel like a very rich, the most blessed person on earth.
