I cannot believe that some years ago people actually paid me to teach English. In all of the many class-observation done by the language-school principal/senior teachers, the printed phrase "Language Control" which appeared somewhere in the middle of the observation note sheet (below "Class Management" and "Teaching Skill", I think) was always met with a scribbled "Good".
I cannot believe I used to speak the language everyday. Sometimes I think I miss speaking it. Once we gave a ride to R's Filipino friend and he said "Hello, nice to meet you" and I said "Nice meeting you too" and I thought the words felt wrong in my palate. And when he and R got off the car at the school, the Filipino friend thanked me and asked me to have a good day and I ordered him the same. Again I felt like I couldn't speak that language at all. Like all words felt wrong.
There was also this Singaporean woman from his school who asked "Who does the cooking at home?" and I said "He does" and she smiled and said "Oh, that's nice" and I said "Ya" as if I didn't really speak the language.
Sometime last week an e-mail came announcing that my paper was accepted to be presented in a seminar, and there was this line it it: "Please do take into account in the revision to further improve the English quality of your paper." I stared at it and decided that they wrote that to everybody from non-English speaking countries anyway. But then I scrolled down through the message and found that they gave me "3" on "Clarity, readability of English" -- "1" is the worst and "7" is the best so I am nowhere near "good", I am not even "half good".
Then I began noticing my internet-chat lines - and started noticing the many mistakes I made. To my horror I have taken to mix up past and present tenses, in addition to mixing up adjectives and adverbs.
I think the language is angry because I don't speak it anymore, and has decided to escape, bit by bit. One day I think I will find my brain stranded alone with no English word in it.
But, but: In all of our texts to each other, R and I use English. And come to think of it, when something is wrong we also use only English to talk about it. Maybe that's why I always think the words feel wrong in my palate when I try speaking them to people other than R. That's a language for times when things are wrong.
How sad. Such a waste of such a beautiful language. This has got to change. Maybe I should start practising the words "I made black pepper beef, again! Ha ha" instead of mumbling "I'm very tired of doing housework, and I envy your convenience excuse of "working", don't you think I work too?". Or "I am so glad that I can finally fix that toilet! Ha ha" instead of thinking "In two years time I too will leave the house early (earlier than you do) and come home late (much later than you do) to find hot meals on the table and a spotless house and a working toilet." And "I am no crybaby, ha ha I am so tough I cannot believe it myself" instead of whining to myself that I am constantly tired and I feel dirty from doing housework and I need to take three showers a day but I hate our tiny wet bathroom but I will not ever say this to R because I don't want to sound ungrateful.
Maybe I should practise saying "I am happy that you are around." Both to him and to the English words still residing in my brain.
"I am happy that you are around."
"Please stay. Even if I can't speak for two days straight because I am too upset".
"Could you please bear with me?"
Because, "I am happy to have you."
