My brain is cluttered with unimportant things. I have felt down and sluggish for almost a week now, something in the back of my mind keeps saying I am a failure, or I have done something wrong. Much as I try to analyse these feelings of failure and guilt and helplessness, there is nothing yet I can find as to what causes all these negative feelings.
I began reading up on anger management, because I find rage inside me almost everyday now. There was nothing in the sources I read that was completely new to me - you can put any name on rage and I'll still be able to recognise it when it is inside me. The question is, why? Why angry? What or who am I angry at?
One example I read in an internet site of anger management really rang a bell though. It said that when one was angry when seeing another person cried, the angry person might be projecting. The angry person probably hated herself when she felt down and whenever she cried, and that made her very angry to see another person crying. One thing that you cannot tolerate in yourself, says the source, is likely you will not tolerate in others. This is true. I hate seeing other people complain or cry, I get very angry at the sight of a complaining or crying friend, because I myself hate myself when I get to such a low point where I cannot help but complaining. Or worse, crying.
This past week, I have been crying every single day, so I have this anger towards myself. I refuse to be this low, I have no reason to feel low, and I am so angry that I am feeling this way.
Then I remember that writing might help. I know whenever I am in a messy state of mind, my writing will be just as messy. But the thought of pouring my brain onto paper already helps lifting my mood a little bit. And actually typing up this post feels nice. Feels really nice.
I am still assessing my feelings though. I think I am mostly scared, deep inside, of something which still hasn't occurred yet, and which might very well turn out not to be scary at all. I feel helpless because school has been going on and on and on with no visible sign of a finish line. Everyday I feel an overwhelming amount of tasks lurk every where I step, and the confidence needed to finish them decrease little by little each day.
I do know that these negative feelings won't last forever. It's Thursday afternoon, tomorrow there's gonna be a class to give lecture to, and another class where I'll be a student and do a presentation, and after that I'll go to get a haircut. That should be a nice way to end a frustrating week.
Next week will be a calm one, and a highly productive one. I promise myself that. Every little bit of negative feelings will be gone, and next week I will be sitting at my computer finishing projects after projects, feeling completely calm and serene. And happy. Just you watch me.
