I feel like writing you an e-mail, but e-mails are forbidden too nowadays, I guess.
Hey, I can take a hint.
I want to tell you about that dream (It has come back!) You know, you told me once how to get rid of that dream. You said I had to say out loud, “I AM NOT AFRAID OF EXAMS” after each dream, and it’d go away.
The very night after you told me that, I had that dream again, the one in which I had to take an exam and failed miserably. (The variations are endless: I might come really late for the exam, or studied the wrong subject, or did the exam successfully without realising that I was totally naked the whole time).
I remembered you instantly: what you said, how to make the dream go away. But I couldn’t do it, because I am afraid of exams, I always am. Every day is an exam, and I am scared shitless of each and every one of it. But it is okay. I’ve been having this dream for more than 15 years now, so I guess I can live with 3 billion other versions of it, oh and anyway, during those dreams I feel really alive, like I have a real important purpose to work on, I wish I could feel that alive in my waking hours.
I want to tell you that The 512-Cylinder Brains gets straight A's this semester, crazy, I know, and the funny thing is how modest and humble he is about it: he said it was just luck. I told him to bag two more 4.0 GPA to ensure that he'd graduate as the best student in the university, yes, we're talking university here, because nobody came close to him in the department and in the faculty. And he blushed a little and said, "Really, Ma'am?"
You know how humble people always strike me the hardest.
I want to tell you that I just found out that June 8th is the birthday of this blog. I think this is the longest I spent writing in the same address. From the year 2002 I must have changed URL's every six months or so. I remember once moving my blog because I didn't want N to know what was going on inside my skull; then deleted the whole thing anyway because I didn't want to know, and didn't want to get reminded ever, of what was going on inside my skull.
I want to tell you how the whole world suddenly has to talk with me (where have these people been before?), when all I want is you talking with me.
I want to tell you so many things, all of them important and unimportant at the same time, everything becomes important when I talk about it with you. Hey, yesterday I eavesdropped a conversation between two colleagues of mine, it was really interesting. One of them is an advanced physicist, and he talked about half-truths and the whole goddamn thing of new-reality, something I can’t relay to you in English because my English is too limited, and I can’t relay in Indonesian because my Indonesian is also too limited, and I know by relaying it to you I’d understand the subject better, because you know, you patch up all the holes in my mind.
I want to tell you that that is how I am these days: walking around, with big holes in my mind.
