+ I wanna post something on my blog. Any ideas on what I should write about?
- Write something about me.
+ Aren't there more difficult things to write about?
By that last remark, I was implying that writing about you was too difficult to do, the reasons being you are a very complex person who is impossible to be summed-up at a glance, and it's almost impossible to write something about someone without it begins to seem too much like a loathsome Friendster testimonial. I simply am not a person who writes Friendster testimonials, except for one person. And that wasn't you.
Anyway the idea stuck with me, and already I'm typing all these down because I for one would also like to see what my perceptions are about you. You know how ideas stay abstract in your brains, and how they become more real when you put them in writing.
Sometime back you told me you were an agnostic, and I suddenly thought of bitter, cynical, highly scientific people who looked down on people like me. 'People like me' meaning those sorry creatures who hold on to prayers, and the romantic idea that everything will be okay in the end. Those sorry creatures who nervously cling to the hope that one can suffer on earth and be eternally happy in the hereafter. I thought you had many sarcastic, highly logical, eye-opening arguments for people like me.
What can I say? Turns out that I was the one who still held doubts about one verse in the Quran (I bet you remember which verse) and you were the one who gave me a thorough explanation of what was "probably really" meant by that particular verse.
I did my homework, too. I read a bit about agnostic views in Bertrand Russel's page. Voila. I wasn't too far off the mark: a bitter, highly scientific person he is. As I read further and further down the page, I was stupefied by the bitterness he oozes, the cold logic that he uses to face all facets of life. Is it because he is Bertrand Russel, or because he is an agnostic? Do you share the same views of life with him, because you are an agnostic as well? Are you that bitter?
Go on. If you haven't already, read what Russel has to say about "the beauty and harmony of nature". While I agree with him that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I am the sort of people who can find beauty in, say, a tub of warm bath water. Sue me, but if you honestly think life hasn't a speck of beauty whatsoever, then I'd be scared of you.
But, but:
Here are my collections of scattered thoughts and memories about you:
While reading the Girls On The Sofa segment in this month's FHM, your comment was: "Shallow questions."
You agreed, though, that its featured woman of the month was an eye-candy.
While describing a book you like, your sentences included the words "genius", "in-depth", "worldly".
While watching a classical concert, you changed places during recess, to get a better view of the musicians.
You said having sex resembled contemplating Mozart's compositions or reading a good book.
If all agnostic people can't find harmony in this life, then at least you are one exception. I saw that you found Sudirman Leman's performance, and Amy Tan's first book quite harmonious, at the very least.
And where does all this lead me to? I told you I couldn't find the courage to sum you up. I just feel like maybe, if I were trapped for hours in an elevator one day, with the lights off and the oxygen low, with panic attacks of death looming near, I might console myself by reminiscing about our pleasurable discussions.
