BULLETPROOF VEST ET CETERA

Very, very early everyday, I put on my body armor according to the war at hand. I fancy having a .380 Auto Glock as part of this armor, but for the meantime, I will do with lipsticks and fancy undergarments. My wars are the kind of open battles with me standing against a fire-squad of at least 40 men (plus about 6 women). I have learnt a long time ago that the only way to win my wars is to plan my armor carefully. The Data Communication Battle for instance, calls for Armor 1 (Immaculately Applied Lipstick) and Armor 2 (Lacy Undergarments with Preferably Transparent Panty). Armor 3 (The Attire) isn't really important. Actually, I have this nagging hunch that I will easily win this particular battle if I simply leave Armor 3 at home.

The Telco Intro Battle requires Armor 1 and 2 as well. Armor 3 is not important, again, but unlike in Data Communication Battle, in Telco Intro Battle I never have the hunch to actually climb the desk hill and take off Armor 3 completely. As the men and women assembling the fire squad for this particular battle are peculiarly jumpy, I make it a point to always, always, always, put on Armor 4 (Immaculately Etched Smile). It is not easy, because Armor 4 is one helluva heavy protective covering.

The Calculus Battle begins very early when I am still groggy from lack of sleep. This is the one battle that I honestly think the fire-squad is too strong for me. (They come without bringing any rifles sometimes, yet still able to shoot through my armors). So this one calls for Armor 1, Armor 2, Armor 3, Armor 4, and yes: Armor 5 (Immaculately Drawn And Worked-Out Escape Routes e.g. Heavyduty Problemsets Given to the Very Weak of the Fire-squad Members).

I won't bore you to death with the details of what typically happens during a battle. Suffice to say they are anything between my lying bleeding on the dirt and standing upright yelling out my war cries. The absurdities happen too, like when one enemy started taking pictures of me using his cellphone during one tough battle, and I -- being too shocked to react properly e.g. strike a nicer pose -- was so unprepared that he easily pinned me to the ground.

That was one big defeat. Imagine having the picture of my face attached to a beautiful naked body circulating around the Net....wait....why don't I find the idea disturbing? On the contrary, I'd like it, very much. Oh dear, no wonder they put me in an asylum from time to time.

Should you ever come across such a picture, I believe you'd know better. Woefully forced to use Armor 3 at each one of my wars, that beautiful naked body in the picture simply cannot be mine.