Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)
I have officially attained my doctorate.
So here I am, stunned, that I finally have finished the hardest struggle I have ever experienced in life. The problems I encountered during the journey humbled, scared, worried and saddened me to an extend I would never want to experience again.
You know what made me angry? One, despite my many struggles, even after the decision of my passing the program was made official, 2 out of my 7 examiners still asked for revisions. Two, my MIL had the heart to comment that I could finish on time because I didn't have any children.
I will tell you what actually happened in my last exam (the last of the 5 dissertation exams we have to take to get the degree). It was an open forum, where the promovendus (the one who will be granted the doctorate, and in this case, myself) was asked to invite her/his family, and of course her/his colleagues. I invited my parents, and my MIL as well as people from work.
On the day of the exam I had to stand in front of a panel consisting of 7 examiners, I was given so many questions and I had to answer them unblinkingly. My parents were nervous, happy but nervous. After that there was a small lunch party held by the Faculty (on my money).
Well, turned out that the MIL, despite congratulating me so many times and told me how proud she was, complained behind my back about my childlessness.
I was so saddened hearing about this, I almost forgot to celebrate.
But today I decided that I have to accept the facts of who I am. Yes, I am childless. This is a fact that saddens me. But: that does not change the fact that I am successful (though I hate to say it myself), at least in terms of school. I have finished my struggle on time (my friends couldn't, I am the only one in our cohort to finish this semester). I have consoled myself so many times when things went wrong, have clenched my teeth and kept pushing even when it was so hard for me to merely get out of bed. I have put up with so many bad behaviors and comments people threw my way, so I will let this one bad remark go too.
I am mad about having to do revisions, but in the past I've done things a lot harder. I will be patient as I know that I will soon be truly free and get my life back. I will be grateful because I know now that many people can give me snide remarks, but I have my best friends in life who will hold my hands all the way.
So I guess I have mixed feelings about finishing school..but I am so glad because the last three years have proven to me that I can rely on myself. And that, at the end of the day, the real me is actually stronger that the one I thought I was.
PS: Straight after the exam my husband and I went to a movie-marathon, and we still ponder whether to go on a short holiday to celebrate.
