Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind. ~Marston Bates
Usually at 4.30am, when consciousness slowly creeps into my mind, I count the things I have to do. One of which, the scariest one, is a foray into the forest.
Doing my research is like a solo expedition into a forest, I can only step in each day, not knowing what gory creature is waiting for me. I have no food, no light, no communications means whatsoever to bring into the forest, no consolation at all. As a loner growing more and more anti-social with age, I feel like I am actually at the right place. The fear is not from knowing I am alone, but in recognizing the lack of confidence I have. Honestly, I can enjoy digging deeper and deeper into the dark forest, looking carefully at each blade of grass, each petal of flower I find, without ever worrying whether I will ever see the sunlight again. But much as I enjoy digging in the darkness, I know I can't afford all the time in the world. Very soon, very soon I have to leave, bringing with me evidences that I have named all the blades of grass, all flowers. And really, packing up and leaving takes guts. By God do they take guts. Guts are something I happen to have too little of. Guts, and confidence.
This year is a very important one. I keep telling myself that this year I have to have a paper published in an international journal. That way, next year all I have to do is finish whatever exams I might have without worrying that the board of examiners will veto my work on the basis that it is not internationally recognized.
If you're willing to take a Ph.D in this country, be warned that you might have more than one paper published in international proceedings, only to be told that it's not enough. Despite the academic rule which say it is indeed enough to have one paper published in international proceedings and another in an accredited national journal, nothing is like being published in international journal. It's a solid, non-debatable evident that your work is accepted by your peers.
No I dont regret having my preliminary works published 'only' in international proceedings, although a friend snickered and uttered some belittling comments. I am not a tough person and tend to crumble easily, so it kinda surprised me when I didn't even feel bad upon hearing his negative remarks. I must be very okay with all my efforts, then, that people can belittle them yet I still feel at peace knowing at least I myself appreciate what I have done.
Now. I have to really gather up some self-confidence and send in at least a paper to an international journal. For this I think I have to use visualization and self-hypnosis and all those *sigh* because everytime I see the paper I write, I cringe. Hiks. Will someone out there think my paper is worthy enough to be published in a journal? An international one?
Can I leave the dark forest sometime soon, although I can actually enjoy staying here in a long time, but yet I have to leave because people outside have been calling my name endlessly?
Can I find my way out, on my own, without food without communication means without the aids of light?
Can I ever see the sunlight again?
