WEEKEND STUDY SESSION

The faculty gathering in Puncak last weekend was nothing much, but still I learned some important lessons in those 1.5 days.

The first was when we did this merciless hiking along the edges of steep, high cliffs, on Sunday morning. The ground was all muddy and super-slippery, thanks to the previous night’s light, constant shower. At one point, my animal instinct said I really shouldn’t go further, because there was only wet, slippery, steep path as wide as my foot and there was nothing to hold on to. There were only grass and bushes around (plus that menacing cliff right next to me), no trees, nothing solid to help me balance my weight. But I pressed forward bit by bit, anyway.

For about half of the journey, L, the 2nd Vice Dean, walked ahead of me with her teenage daughter J. Every once in awhile J would protest: “Mommy, it’s too slippery, I can’t.” And L would always say, “Mommy is here. Mommy will watch out for you. Step with faith, Ci (from ‘Cici’, means ‘older sister’ in Chinese, which is apparently how J was called by her siblings), do not hesitate.”

That was my first lesson of the day. “Step with faith”, I told myself, “do not hesitate.” How could I not hesitate, when in front of me there was only a steep wet narrow path? With the risk of slipping into a cliff-- With my shoes all wet and muddy, making it so difficult to move-- With my untrained body and my tired legs-- When sometimes I couldn’t even stand upright because it was so hard to stay balanced, that I almost walked on all-four—

The same thing applies to life as a whole too. There are many a time when I find it hard to step forward in faith, knowing full well that the path ahead of me is too dangerous. Nevertheless, staying unmoved is not a wise choice either, because there is nothing worse than knowing that you have accomplished nothing because you have been to afraid to make a move. So I told myself to step with faith, and fought my way for the rest of the journey. I hope I’ll step forward with faith not only when it comes to hiking, but every step of the way in the journey of life.

The second lesson was, I wouldn’t make it if I weren’t humble enough to ask for help. R and A helped me a lot during the journey, and R especially, wouldn’t have helped me if I hadn’t asked him. But I tried to forget my big ego and admitted that I needed a pull from them when the field was too nasty. If that had happened five, or even three years ago, I know I wouldn’t ask for help, I’d stubbornly try to work things out myself.
When I was stuck in a stream, unable to move due to its muddy, slippery bottom and stones, A almost went back to get me. I couldn’t bear that, my damned big ego wouldn’t allow that, so before he did, I stepped forward and slipped ahead, dipping about knee-deep and almost fell down if it wasn’t for his strong grip from across the stream. Though I hated it, I forced myself to cooperate, to trust him, to reach out for his hand and let him help me out of the stream.

So here is lesson number two: admit your limitations, be humble enough to ask for help, and to let others help you. Damn, it wasn’t easy for me. I’m too self-reliant and I’ve always thought I could manage anything without the help of anyone. I was wrong.

Lesson number three was learnt when I took off all of my clothes after the hike: there were blood clots in my panty. My period was over about two weeks ago, and I don’t normally bleed outside my cycle. So eventhough I had fun during the hike and thought I didn’t exert myself excessively, my body didn’t agree. It was too much for my body and the first alarm was the uterus bleeding. Who knows what might come next if I dare to try something like this again without preparation. Goddamnit, I never like to be forced to deal with the bloody business outside those unavoidable 12 days in a month.

I am thankful for the very important lessons taught to me by L, R, A, and my own body. Learning all those in the space of only a short time really gave me, well, MO.