SINCE WHEN DOES IT MATTER, ANYWAY?

I stumbled in the night
Never really knew what it would’ve been like
You’re no longer there to break my fall*

No no I am not gonna cry. Something has been ringing in my ears since early this month, that nothing ever matters in the end.

Ever notice how brains act like a magnifying glass? That sometimes our brains multiply the goodness, or the badness of something, out of proportion? I believe something is never as bad as it seems, and sadly, never as good either. Even if you lose a leg (God forbid), in the end you’ll make peace with yourself, in the end it won’t matter anymore. Nothing matters.

I remember seeking for a place to hide, and cried my eyes out when I was 11. That was because I got 50 for a maths test. At that time it was a disaster. As soon as I saw that big, fat, 50 score scribbled on my test, I whispered to myself, “God, I’ve been so ungrateful…I’ve never thanked You every time I get a good score” (funny how an 11-year-old brain works, isn’t it?) then I hurried to my hiding place and cried.

Nope, don’t remember when test scores stopped to matter.

Ever since then many disasters came my way, all seemed huge and important at first, then faded away and lost their impacts. In the end nothing matters.

Oh, I’m not so foolish, so arrogant as not to admit that I once fell for you. I admit all that. I also admit these: sometimes I cried when you asked me out for a date then cancelled it. Sometimes I thought of you all day. Sometimes I missed you. There was a time when I thought your feelings for me were real. There was a time when I truly believed, Dear, when you held me close, gosh I don’t want to sound sappy here, but there was a time when I truly believed that you loved me. Sorry if I sound like a love-struck 16 year-old, but there was really a time when we had our moments. Hell, too many moments to list down, yet too few to leave a deep impact on me.

I admit all those.

And I’ll admit that they slowly, and steadily, fade away. Every once in a while I’ll think of you. Like every once in a while you’ll think of me. Then after some time has passed, I’ll be able to say that as much as I never matter to you, you never matter to me either.


When a lonely heart breaks, it’s the one that forsake
It’s the dream that we stole
And I’m missing you now.

And the fire that will roar :
there's a hole in my soul.


*Lyrics from ‘For Whom The Bell Tolls”, Bee Gees.Might not be accurate. Written here without the permission of copyright holder. All rights reserved by copyright holder.